Destination...Vaccination.

Today, May 30, 2021 I am officially fully vaccinated. I am so grateful to be. What a strange, long, lonely, isolated, grief-filled, traumatic trip it has been. This last year has been one of the worst of my life. So much loss, pain, and fear. However, I am one of the lucky ones and I do recognize that. While this last year took its toll in so many ways, I did not die. I did not lose anyone to death from this horrific virus.

But I did lose something. I lost a whole friend group, my emotional sobriety and what little hope I had for humanity.

I was doing okay up until May of 2020. It was terrifying, don’t get me wrong. Hearing the sirens day after day. Watching the number of people who tested positive and the numbers of deaths rising each day was devastating. My heart broke every day reading about people who died from Covid-19, alone and suffering. It changed me.

But what really sent me over the abyss of loneliness, hopelessness and depression was when I lost my friends to selfishness, ignorance, and callousness. A simple request from me to wear a mask to protect one another was received with outrage and denial.

I have always had this fear of dying by suffocating. Always. It terrifies me to think about not being able to take a breath, a deep breath. So, along comes this awful virus that ends up killing people by slowly suffocating them. My worst nightmare. Compounding the issue is the rampant ignorance out there about this virus. The denial. The ignorance. The selfishness. I was blown away by how many people refused to do the right thing to protect other people. Still does. I could not grasp the concept of the refusal to do something so simple that could prevent so much suffering. And yet, even in my own friend group I was confronted with just that… An almost defiant NO when I asked them to wear a mask when around me.

When I explained to them this great fear of dying by suffocation and asked them to wear a mask and they said no? I was deeply hurt. I said to them point blank, if you value me, if you love me, you will wear a mask and you will protect me. When the answer was still no, I left our weekly Zoom book club meeting and have not talked to them since. And you know what? They let me go. Easily and with little fanfare.

In retrospect, I realize I had been feeling a bit disconnected from this group of women for a while. Our political views and ideals are very different. What brought us together four years ago was the common theme of childhood abandonment, neglect, and trauma. We were connected by ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics).

I have no regrets about walking away but that does not mean it did not affect me. We were in the middle of a pandemic and I had no support system. I was alone and afraid. I had no one I could talk to and I spiraled deep into depression. There were days when I did not want to live. I thought about death every day. I could not find a light to walk towards. A reason to be. Stuck day after day in my home. Afraid of people. Disgusted by people. Disappointed by people. Again.

Before the pandemic, I was so hopeful that I had finally broken old patterns, and I think the betrayal of these women, their abandonment sent me spiraling into a very dark place. A place I have unfortunately visited many times since my unstable, traumatic childhood.

Now being fully vaccinated, I feel a tiny ray of hope start to grow again within me. One that I am trying to nurture. Leaving this group of friends was another powerful life lesson. They were not my tribe. They were not my people. They did not truly love me. They did not truly value me. Shared experiences does not a relationship make. I believe having common values and morals are essential to the foundation of a healthy relationship.

When I found ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) in 2016, it gave me the tools to understand why I am who I am. To accept myself, love myself. For so long I did not love myself. I did not think I was loveable or worthy of love. I thought that I should love someone even if they treated me badly or disregarded my needs. What ACA taught me was that is a crock of shit. I can be discerning about who I allow into my life. I can ask for what I need and if they cannot or will not give it to me, I can walk away and be okay.

Coming from a childhood where I never felt loved. I never felt I mattered. I never felt valued. I had finally worked through so much of that through ACA. Even the constant disappointment from broken friendships with people from the group were learning experiences to deepen my self-knowledge. They hurt; were sometimes so painful I did not know if I wanted to try again. Being alone is safe.

I would pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. I thought these women were different, but ultimately, they are just flawed human beings who could not or would not give me what I needed. I did not feel loved or valued by them, so I chose to walk away. Add to this, the election, the murders of black people, gun violence, more anti-vaxxer/masker bullshit and I was sunk so low in my disgust of humanity, I had so little will to be a part of anything. Many days I still do not. But I am trying. I am cultivating that little ray of hope.

What happened in 2020 shook my belief that I can find people who truly love me, who will truly accept me and value me for who I really am. Because I do. I love and value myself. I am flawed, argumentative, impatient, judgmental, and nasty at times, but I have so much compassion, kindness, and empathy also. I am loyal and love so deeply. I accept all the many sides of me, including the awful, flawed ones.

I know compassion and empathy for myself and others is essential to the peace I seek in life. Somehow, I must let go of the deep rage that has built up again for humanity’s flaws and awfulness. A rage built upon the foundation of abandonment and neglect of a little girl who never felt loved.