Rejection, Spiritual Dejection, Failed Connection

I've been rejected again. I'm going through the adult process of applying to college. Applying for a JOB. I have applied to so many jobs. The number of cover letters in my Documents file is probably around 30.

I have been brought out on in-person interviews to Seattle and San Francisco. I have sat through 7 hour days of non-stop talking about my experience and my personality. I have researched and researched and researched. I have pages of notes on every company I've had either a phone or in person interview with.

I've stalked and googled and LinkedIn every person and company I've come into contact with. There isn't much more I could do to bag that job and yet here I am writing about my last, most devastating rejection to date.

I have $5000 in my savings account. The mortgage is due in a couple weeks, along with car payment, care, health and house insurance. Even with all of these rejections, I have been feeling pretty good about myself. I've been practicing my steps from Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I've accepted the principles of powerlessness, unmanageability, surrender and letting go of Step One. I've acknowledged that there is a higher power and I've gone along with what has been thrown at me. I've had faith that it will all work out if I just let go. I am on my soul's journey and this is all just growth, but DAMN, there is only so much a person can take.

The dejection that comes with each rejection starts to eat at my soul. The old messages of not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, too old, too strong willed consumes me to the point I want to pull the covers over my head or hide in a closet away from life.

Life which has primarily been so hurtful, disappointing and unkind to me. The tape in my head plays on and on. There is no Higher Power or if there is he hates you. There is no one looking out for you. You are going to be homeless and bankrupt and be lost. You will be alone and sad; a nothing.

Why this one is affecting me so strongly? Well I have the product knowledge, I have the passion, I seem to fit all the requirements of the job description. I felt