Don't Judge a Book Only by It's Herstory

Today I had a call with a recruiter. The position is for a Product Manager for an illustrious CPG company on Long Island. I could tell from the beginning of our conversation that she wasn't interested in my accomplishments. What I had achieved in my long, yet tumultuous career.

You see I am an independent spirit. Some would call me difficult. Some would say I am demanding. Some would say I'm tough but liked. In many cases they would be correct. I've had to fight, scrap and survive most of my life. Usually on my own.

As a child, my life pretty much started with chaos and dysfunction. My parents married in the 60s when forging this union was expected in their early 20s. My father from a wealthy family. My mother aspiring to be part of a wealthy family. Needless to say they were not a good match and they divorced when I was around 3.

From what I remember about my parents at that young age, there wasn't a lot of stability or healthy communication. My mother was concerned with finding another man to take care of us. My father moved to Connecticut and I saw him sporadically. Nothing was too terrible but the foundation my life was being built upon wasn't very firm.

When I was 11 my mother divorced her 2nd husband and I was sent to live with my father in the middle of 6th grade. It wasn't an easy transition. Basically my world fell apart. I was in a different state, away from my mother and the life we had been building; sleeping in my father's office.

I was so terribly afraid and sad. I had to start a new school in the middle of the school year and my mother was nowhere to be found. My father at the time lived with his girlfriend and her son. Up until then I had visited them on weekends when they lived in Connecticut and then that summer when they moved to Florida.

The transition was difficult for us all and ultimately the girlfriend left due to as my father put it, me and my brother. From then on my father descended into alcoholism. I would assume he already was since I don't really believe the girlfriend left only because of us. My father was a violent, angry man who took out his frustrations on everyone around him.

Unfortunately with her gone, my brother and I now received the full brunt of his rage. I was not nurtured. I was not taught how to communicate my frustrations. I was effectively silenced by a frightening, menacing man. I learned to suppress my feelings because if I didn't there were always repercussions of some kind be it physical or verbal abuse.

When I was finally released from that prison at age 16 to live with my grandparents, the damage was done. I had no clue how to have a healthy, productive conversation about my feelings. My role models had taught me to either shut my mouth or explode with rage. No in between.

You can only imagine how difficult it is to exist with other human beings when that is your only mode of communication. Of course I had friends, roommates in college, a boyfriend here and there and even a fiance, but the anger that I held onto from being raised in either silence or anger was always bubbling beneath the surface. I had never been taught how to deal with overwhelming feelings or how to talk to people when I was hurt or frustrated.

So back to the reason I started this post to begin with...having a conversation with a recruiter. She began our conversation with why I had left my last job (fired due to personality differences) and then grilled me on each and every job and why I had left. She did not ask me about my accomplishments. We did not talk about how I had started an entire division from scratch in a $3B company. All she was interested in was why I hadn't lasted in many of the jobs from my past.

OK I get it. No one wants to hire someone who is difficult, not a team player and could potentially be a problem. It's time-consuming, disruptive and exhausting. The thing is if you only base your judgement on this piece of paper with dates on it, you don't truly get the whole story about a person.

She'll never know how much time and effort I have put into learning the skills I was never taught as a child. She'll never know the dedication and effort I put into ensuring the company succeeds, as while as the time I'll put into building successful relationships with mindful awareness and practice.

Yes, my herstory is full of disruption, some would say dysfunction, but it's also chock full of success and growth. The person I was 5, 10, 20 years ago is not who I am today.

I understand the importance of connection and community. The value of building trust and respect. Yes, I will always strive to achieve but it won't be at the expense of others. It is with the understanding that we are all different and we all have something of value to contribute.

My role is to strive to be my best, true self and when I forget and my flaws bubble to the surface, it is my responsibility to make amends immediately. Own my story, no blame. Honesty without shame.

Unfortunately for the company I could have helped to succeed, they will never know me. Because this recruiter chose to judge me by my past and not take a chance on who I am today.